Believing in Love

She once whole heartedly believed in love

Now not so much

Love is something for fairy tales

It’s possible that love exists

She just hasn’t seen it in her life

Yes, her parents are in love

So is the rest of her family

She has yet to believe that love really can exist

She wonders if she will ever find love

Or if someone could ever love her

Awkwardness

I wish I didn’t feel like I have to hide
I wish it was so easy to tell you my feelings
Instead you find out from my friends
Now things seem awkward
To the point that it’s unbearable
A song came on and I thought of you
I barely know you but you crossed my mind
I haven’t smiled or laughed that much in a long time
Maybe it’s because I have been hiding
But I’m still hiding my feelings from you
I was going to tell you several times
But then couldn’t find the right words
Awkwardness still stands between us
Not going away anytime soon
Now I’ve lost the chance to tell you
But I’m okay with that
If it’s going to work or supposed to work
Then God will find a way
Awkwardness though still stands between us

 

Waiting

She stops and wonders what might happen

She hasn't felt this way in quite a long time

The void like something is missing is slowly going away

It really wasn't by choice either.

  

She isn't going to push it

She just wants to see what happens

She doesn't want people to interfere

She just wants to see what will happen

She isn't putting her heart on the line

She is just simply getting to know him.

But sometimes friends interfere
She will see what happens

Now it's all so awkward
hardly talking barely making eye contact
She doesn't know what to think
But she will wait and see what happens

Only time will tell what will happen
God has his plan for her
She isn't going to rush it
She'll just wait and see

Figuring It Out.

She is struggling to let go

Struggling to see her future without you

Struggling to close that chapter in her life

Struggling to see how her future will be. 

Thirteen years of friendship gone

Thirteen years of wondering

Thirteen years of wonderful memories

And dreading the day the freindship would end.

She will figure out who she is without you

She may not understand right now

Someday she will though

Or maybe she never will. 

She will find her way without you

Without your friendship

Without a painful memory

She will be ok without you.

I wrote this poem for a book that's published by the local community college. It wasn't accepted because it didn't fit in with the theme of the book. Little did I know there was a theme because it was not stated in the email or on their website. I am okay that it didn't get accepted but i will try again next year to get something published. I will continue to work on my writing even if I never get published because it's something that I enjoy doing.

Finally Free

She finally feels free
She finally has closed that door
That door of friendship
That door that was full of constant hurt

The friendship has finally come to an end
She can finally let go
It was a perfect friendship
It just couldn't last forever

This time the door really is closed
It's been bolted shut
Not to be reopened until the healing has finished
She's finally free

She's free of all the wondering
She knows that he will always have a part of her heart
But she is free
Nothing will change this

Nothing can stop her from letting go
It's in her best interest
It was time to move on
Time to let go

Maybe someday they will cross paths
and that friendship will rekindle
But for now she has to let go
Figure out who she is without him

She is Finally free of him.

An open letter to a friend

Dear Friend,

            I wish the time hadn't come for me to say good-bye to our wonderful friendship, I wish that I could turn back the clock and go back to a time when everything seemed ok in our friendship. I wish you would come, give me a hug and tell me that everything is going to be ok. I sat the other day reminiscing about youth group and all the fun times that we had. Then I thought back to all those people telling me that one day we would end up together. Guess what I haven't given up hope on that because you have at least in my mind you have always been the one. I would never tell you that to your face though because I would never want to ruin our friendship. I valued our friendship more than anything. I still keep hanging on to hope that one day God will put you back in my life and everything will go back to how it used to be. I keep asking myself what went wrong and why can't I let you go. My mind is full of you and I can't get you out of my head. I start thinking that maybe it’s for the best that I close that chapter only you aren't just a chapter in my life you are a novella. So I keep trying to write the ending in my head but nothing fits. I start thinking of you and that it isn't over with us we are just starting to figure it out.

            I keep telling myself that I have forgiven you for whatever it is that you did wrong. Which we both made mistakes and we both hurt each other some way or another. I wish we could go back to when we were 12 everything was not complicated and we were just friends and I still had that major crush on you but we were in middle school trying to figure out what those emotions meant. It wasn't complicated then. It started getting complicated in high school. I didn't know if we would ever be more than friends and I tried pushing the issue once but then let it go. I was too worried about our friendship; that meant more to me than anything.

            High school, that's a completely different story between the two of us. You were dating and I was busy with the band, but yet we always made time for youth group. Youth group was always the one place that brought us together.  There are so many shared memories and stories from those days. We had so many fun times: like Christmas caroling and the corn maze. Those two things we did I will never forget. There are so many other things we did as a youth group that I can't forget about but the corn maze and the Christmas caroling are two things that I constantly think about. You are everywhere in my life. I think about you and wonder how you are doing. I hear song and all of sudden I'm thinking about you. Someone wearing a specific smelling cologne and there are in my mind. I can remember my senior year and prom. Every one of my friends and people that I hardly talked to all thought we were dating. Coincidence I think not because we worked together and you always brought out the best in me. We made sense. I can remember before that people who knew would tell me that someday they would read in the paper that we were engaged or heck even married. I would tell them no we were just good friends. But I always thought that those people were right because we did make sense together and we did understand each other and didn't have too many fights.

            Those are all memories now. I think that it’s time to try and write the ending to our novella. Who knows maybe someday we can start writing a new novella with new memories but it’s time for me to close this one. So that way I can move on and keep you as a memory not as something I constantly think about. I know that God has a plan for both of us and it may mean that we are separated for a little bit longer so he can work through us individually. Someday I hope he brings us back together. Someday I hope that we can be as close as we were once were. But for now I must write the ending and say Good-bye. I hope that life turns out the way you want it to. Just know that I will always be an email away or even a phone call away. I will always be there for you no matter what. I just need to give my heart time to heal its wounds. So this is my final Good-bye just know that it’s not forever.  

            -K

This is an open letter to a friend.

Five years

I wish I could understand

How our friendship crumbled

I miss our friendship

I miss our talks

I miss you

It’s been 5 years

Since I’ve seen you

5 years to long

5 years since I’ve heard your voice

5 years since I’ve last had a hug from you

I don’t know why

But I’m struggling with this

Missing you

I thought I had it under control

I guess I don’t

You were the one

I thought would be in my life forever

But I guess God had other plans

I guess you did your job

Helping me become the person I am today

I saw a mutual friend of ours

She told me

I thought two would end up together

She said it was in our eyes

How much we cared for each other

She told me

That you were the one for me

That it was supposed to last

So what happened?

Why do I still feel the pain?

Why has it been 5 years?

5 years to long

5 years of hurting and missing you

5 years of not knowing

The cause of our friendship to crumble?

Just know this

I think of you all the time

I think of our talks

Our jokes

And the way your voice reassured me things would be ok.

But most of all I miss your hugs

That’s where I felt the safest

Knowing you would always be there for me

Knowing you would catch me when I fell

But its 5 years that have gone by

I don’t know if you would catch me now

Or if I would feel safe in your arms embrace

I don’t know anything anymore

Because it’s been 5 years

Since I’ve seen you your face & heard your voice.

I wrote this poem after stumbling across some pictures. It made me think of this friend that used to be in my life and used to be the one of the few people in my friendship circle that would always try and make me feel better. This poem was a way for me to express how i was feeling and for me to officially close that door and it will only reopen if God wants it to.